Posts Tagged ‘chicken’

fake news

Frozen dead dogs, fights over cold chicken, hitting perverts with baseball bats and more!  Just click below to listen.

chicken headI was gonna go to bed but I ran across a story of a voodoo chicken head closing a road here in Florida.  This creates so many questions in my mind I can’t sleep.

Where do you buy this chicken head?  “Just Chickenheads.”  “Everything is a Chickenhead.”  I can’t even imagine what my local butcher would say if I walked in and asked for a full house of chicken heads.

How do you carry this chicken head with you?  Chicken head holster?  In that compartment with a zipper in your purse?  Money clip?  Although I think the chicken head would slip out of the money clip.  Makes for an embarrassing situation at Nordstrom when checking out and the hot blonde behind you, stops, points and says “Is that your chicken head?”

I’m single and live alone.  I have had a crazy life.  I have seen and done many things I don’t recommend.  I can assure you that I have never had a chicken head on my person, in my house or even in my hand.  If someone were to try to hand me one I am confident that I would not pause in my retort; “WTF would I want with that.  It’s a chicken head.”

In this new leaf I have turned over I am trying to see good over the bad, the positive over the negative, etc.  So if chickenheads are your thing have a good time—it could be worse…you could be a beef or fish lover.

3 stoogesProfessional athletes, marijuana, and our government….been thinking about these topics over the weekend because they all are linked together by one common factor:  stupidity.

Follow me here….or if you can’t that’s good because it will illustrate my point at how it is said “we must all get along” when in actuality all we do is contradict ourselves.

The government has spent  one trillion dollars on the “War on Drugs” since 1971.  Millions are spent every day guarding the southwest borders  of our country so marijuana isn’t smuggled into our country.  Twenty two of our states and The District of Columbia have legalized it albeit mostly for medical purposes.  Two states, Colorado and Washington, have made marijuana legal for personal use.  If someone told me…”show up to work early, but only work to 50% of your potential, take a short lunch, spend 30 minutes juggling bowling pins and the rest of the afternoon pretend to be working at your desk but we want you to be surfing facebook and making posts of how much you hate it here”….that would make more sense.  In fact we all know the latter of my absurd situation happens quite frequently.

Professional athletes.  Quite the oxy-moron don’t ya think?  They get millions to run fast and jump high.  They sign contracts that guarantee them millions knowing they will be tested for marijuana (Yes the same plant that is legal medically in 22 states and legal in 2) yet they still insist on smoking weed.

Let’s look at the case of Cleveland Browns wide receiver:  he received a scholarship to play at Baylor…in 2010 he and a teammate were found sound asleep in the drive thru at a local Taco Bell and weed in the car.  In July 2011 he was suspended from the Baylor team for a positive marijuana test.  He transferred to Utah but decided to just sit out a year and go for the NFL.  July 2012 he gets a 5.3  million dollar deal with the Browns……that’ll by ya a lot of chicken soft tacos.  In June 2013 he was suspended by NFL for first two games of that season for………YES testing positive for weed.  He had a great year last year with the most receiving yards in the NFL and being named to the Pro Bowl.  Guess what happened May 9, 2014?  I think you have this story figured out and Gordon more than likely will be suspended for the year.   Our story doesn’t end there…a week ago…Gordon gets pulled over for speeding, cop smells weed, and one of the three passengers produces a bag with less than 200 grams of marijuana.   Ya know that’s good stuff….millionaire weed…I can picture them speeding because Taco Bell was about to close.  Gordon was ticketed just for speeding and not for possession of the pot because his friend said it was his……REALLY?   Ya want me to believe that???  Here is what probably happened:  Cue siren and lights…GORDON: “Oh shit.  Hey Levi hold this bag.   LEVI:  Are you crazy?   GORDON:  I’ll give ya $100K when we get back to the crib.    LEVI:  Gimmie that bag.

Our government and professional athletes…the best Stooge routine ever.

 

 

happy-mothers-dayMy mother will be 74 in October.  I moved here to West Palm Beach in 2004 to be on the radio and keep an eye on her.  Somehow the roles have reversed in the past two years since I have not been working and now she sees me as a kid again.  It’s almost as though she relishes in the fact that she can mother me again.  I was always a saver and banked my money.  My biggest fear has always been being broke and homeless.  I honestly believe that if I started working again my mother would think that her purpose in life has been eliminated.   We actually had a conversation the other night about life insurance polices…..mainly mine.  I found out that parents really don’t want to discuss your eventual demise…they morph into an endless dialogue about the medications they are on and how they can’t keep up with technology.

My mother still cuts her own grass, goes to church every Sunday, works full-time and can take a knife and a cucumber and make it into a work of art.  She offers strange words of wisdom:  “Take a shower every morning to wash all the viruses off of you.”   The battery on her cordless phone is going and her solution is to plug-in her old land line.  She says things that I don’t know how to respond to:  “I’m taking the long way home because it’s raining and I can’t see in the dark.”

She refers to her answering machine as a “recorder” and always asks me about relatives that have passed;  “Do you remember Aunt Fran?”  Aunt Fran died 20 years ago…it’s not like Spock gave me the Vulcan mind meld.  I can’t get off the phone without her asking if I washed things I eat.  “Wash those tomatoes…people like to pick through them.”  God help society if there weren’t chickens because eventually the conversation will turn to eggs.  “Everything is good in moderation…you need eggs for protein.  I remember Grandma cutting the head off the chickens and plucking the feathers.  We used to pick our own eggs and now they are two dollars a dozen.”   How do you respond to that?

I plan on throwing up the white flag and saying “Happy Mother’s Day!!!”