Posts Tagged ‘Santa’

santa

So I’m sitting here thinking about Christmas and my childhood and I wonder if I’m alone on this.  Let’s examine some of the facts of this wonderful story.  Let’s start with the fat guy and the chimney.  Ya ever been on a roof and taken a look at a chimney?  A super model would get stuck in there.  Let’s say this generous man with his sack of goodies manages to make it down the aforementioned chimney.  I sure hope you’re not burning a yuletide log and ya remembered to shut off the alarm.  This will assure a very slow night for the folks at ADT.

So ya leave some cookies and milk.  That’s the last thing he needs.  Do him a favor and move the exercise bike by the tree and leave a few Lipitor pills and a shot of bourbon—it’s freaking cold outside.   So our friend Santa then rock climbs his way back up the chimney to get inside a sleigh that doesn’t have a heater or a seatbelt.  I’m pretty sure that all the shingles that got ripped off during the landing are not covered by your homeowners insurance.

Most of us have been on an airplane and have seen the size of those massive engines that insure a safe take off and a successful flight so of course the same mechanical wonders must be attached to the sleigh, right?  That’s not the case as we are all aware.  This winter mobile is able to take off a fifty foot runway pulled by a bunch of reindeer.  The one leading this parade has a nose that is red.  Anyone that has been on a road knows that’s the brake light so actually Santa flies backwards without a rear view mirror.  Living here in Florida I know that’s at least believable.  I could go about the elves but I don’t need any more hate mail from the Little People of America.  I’ll end my filibuster with a sincere statement for you and your family.  Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

A news anchor in Chicago told the “truth” about Santa earlier this week and you can imagine the backlash.  Story HERE:  I think you lose that innocent perspective of life the moment you hear the “Santa story.”  I’ll never forget “Santa-Day.”  It was a Tuesday morning in December at about 7:30AM.  The bus would stop in front of my house in ten minutes and I was just about to walk out the front door.  I was seven years old.  Mom asked me to come into my bedroom for a moment and sit down.  My mother got right to the point and said:  “I don’t want you to hear this on the bus but Santa is not real.  Your father and I buy the gifts and he eats the cookies.  I’ll explain the entire thing after school.”  I’m not kidding you.  I got the “Santa Story” like a news anchor was doing a tease for the six o’clock headlines.

I got on the bus stunned.  I looked around at the other snot-nosed kids and wondered how many of them knew.  Could they tell that I had just been told?  Is there a secret sign I need to share with them to illustrate I knew the big lie was over?  Look.  I was seven years old, my mother gives me a cliff-note version of the “Santa story” and throws me on a bus.  My world was a bit shaken and now I questioned EVERYTHING.  In fifteen seconds I had gone from existing in a constant state of Utopia to a psychologists dream.

When I got home from school that day I sat down with Mom and Dad and they explained everything in great detail.  Santa may not wear a red suit and climb down the chimney but he does exist.  There’s a little bit of Santa Claus in all of us and THAT’S what makes him real and makes him exist.  I felt much better.  I trusted the world and my parents once again.  All I could do is hug my mother and say “Well at least we have the Easter Bunny.”  There was a long pause……I think you know the rest of this story.  🙂