Posted: May 7, 2013 in Content, Current Events, Entertainment
Tags: chicken, eggs, homeless, Mother's Day, phone, radio, technology, tomato, vegetables, virus, West Palm Beach
My mother will be 74 in October. I moved here to West Palm Beach in 2004 to be on the radio and keep an eye on her. Somehow the roles have reversed in the past two years since I have not been working and now she sees me as a kid again. It’s almost as though she relishes in the fact that she can mother me again. I was always a saver and banked my money. My biggest fear has always been being broke and homeless. I honestly believe that if I started working again my mother would think that her purpose in life has been eliminated. We actually had a conversation the other night about life insurance polices…..mainly mine. I found out that parents really don’t want to discuss your eventual demise…they morph into an endless dialogue about the medications they are on and how they can’t keep up with technology.
My mother still cuts her own grass, goes to church every Sunday, works full-time and can take a knife and a cucumber and make it into a work of art. She offers strange words of wisdom: ”Take a shower every morning to wash all the viruses off of you.” The battery on her cordless phone is going and her solution is to plug-in her old land line. She says things that I don’t know how to respond to: ”I’m taking the long way home because it’s raining and I can’t see in the dark.”
She refers to her answering machine as a “recorder” and always asks me about relatives that have passed; ”Do you remember Aunt Fran?” Aunt Fran died 20 years ago…it’s not like Spock gave me the Vulcan mind meld. I can’t get off the phone without her asking if I washed things I eat. ”Wash those tomatoes…people like to pick through them.” God help society if there weren’t chickens because eventually the conversation will turn to eggs. ”Everything is good in moderation…you need eggs for protein. I remember Grandma cutting the head off the chickens and plucking the feathers. We used to pick our own eggs and now they are two dollars a dozen.” How do you respond to that?
I plan on throwing up the white flag and saying “Happy Mother’s Day!!!”
Posted: April 3, 2013 in Content, Current Events, Entertainment
Tags: Amanda Bynes, aviation, Captain America, comic books, Dating, facebook, gaming, Lite-Brite, mental-health, Moby Dick, pets, Real Housewives, relationships, stuffed animals, transportation, twitter
I don’t date and I do it by choice. The last time I was on a date was October 23, 2011. The world is one big bowl of nuts and I’m not ashamed to admit I’m probably the walnut but I have figured out there are three types of women that I would avoid at all costs. In no particular order here are the signs:
YOU KNOW THE NAME OF AT LEAST ONE “REAL HOUSEWIFE”: There is nothing “real” about any of these whack jobs. Watching this show is like making a visit to the local mental ward to observe the patients to feel good about yourself. If ya wanna live in fantasy land then dress up like Captain America and go to a comic book convention.
YOU THINK FISH ARE PETS: Let me break the news to ya Moby Dick….anything you can eat is NOT a pet. Fish are a meal. Ya can’t train them and ya can’t pet them. If you actually believe that you are a pet owner because you have a tank on display in your den then ya might wanna consider cooking some pasta and weaving me a basket.
YOU HAVE STUFFED ANIMALS ON YOUR BED: Unless you work at the dime toss booth at the fair and your bedroom is a closet for the prizes you need to be on some sort of medication. You are an adult so start acting like one. Do ya scream for mommy when ya have a bad dream and still play with your Lite Brite when Amanda Bynes won’t answer your tweet? I hope not.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest….I’m going back to posting pictures on facebook of food I’m about to eat and writing various celebrities to ask for autographed pictures. THAT’S normal!
Posted: April 1, 2013 in Content, Current Events
Tags: animal abuse, Big Dance, broken leg, domestic violence, drunk driving, Kevin Ware, Louisville, MADD, March Madness, NCAA Basketball, poverty
You’re not gonna like what you are going to read and I know that already but it’s the truth. Kevin Ware of Louisville suffered a horrific broken leg in yesterdays college basketball game. His lower leg broke in half and the bone actually pierced the skin. People across the country have actually tweeted their monetary support to a man that they don’t even know. Seriously? Let’s be honest. The guy didn’t die…. he broke his freaking leg. He doesn’t have a life threatening disease and he didn’t lose a loved one. He broke his leg.
When you walk on a sporting field of any kind under you own free will you understand that you are taking a risk of physical injury. Don’t get me wrong I wish he didn’t break his leg BUT he knew was putting himself at risk. His teammates and his coach were visibly upset and some were even crying. Would they have reacted the same way had they not SEEN the injury? If Kevin Ware fell down the stairs at his dorm and suffered the same injury would they break down in tears upon hearing the news? I think not. They walked away in tears because they had witnessed a HORRIFIC injury and that’s actually kind of selfish.
As far as these clowns that want to send money to help out a guy they don’t even know here’s a suggestion for ya: Look around you. There are many local organizations that can use your help in fighting abuse of animals, domestic violence, hunger, poverty or your favorite cause. Visit a relative you have not seen lately or take the time to reestablish a connection with a lost friend. If any of these things would happen then I think Kevin Ware would appreciate that more than anything else. Kevin Ware broke his leg. He wasn’t killed by a drunk driver. Let’s keep this in perspective.
Posted: March 19, 2013 in Content, Current Events
Tags: arrested, aviation, cars, Fortune 500, gaming, heart surgery, lawyers, mental-health, mugshot, piercings, tattoo, transportation, videogames
Every day we are confronted with decisions. Sometimes we make good ones and sometimes we make bad ones. That’s just the way of life. I have made MANY mistakes in my time on earth but I can honestly tell you I never woke up and declared “today is the day will finally get my neck tattoo.” If I need open heart surgery and Dr. Feelgood has a neck tattoo saying “Delicious” I’m gonna make sure someone else cuts me open. If I need someone to stand up for me in the court of law I don’t think the guy with “Judge This” on his neck is gonna have any pull with the man in the black robe.
If ya wanna get back in the stupidity line for extra credit then by all means feel free to add a tat on your forehead and maybe a few tear drops beneath your eyes. See how well that goes over on your interview at a Fortune 500 company. There are times when these tattoos are actually beneficial. If I was running a chop shop or was in the market for an arsonist then the guy at the left would be at the top of my list. Unless you are a porn star then you really should care about what ends up on your face. I have a lot more to say about this but I’m late for my tongue piercing.
Posted: March 11, 2013 in Content, Entertainment
Tags: cars, going postal, government, junk mail, mail, mail box, oboe, phone company, post office, satellite, transportation, TV, United States
I live in a gated community where no one has a mailbox at the end of their driveway. We all have a central area where everyone has their own box and a key to open the box and retrieve their mail. This would seem like a great gig for anyone that works for the Postal Service since they stay in one central area, don’t have to drive door to door and basically just stay in an air-conditioned building and sort through the mail and stick the contents in their specific slot. Well this is not the case with Delores.
Delores has yelled…yes I do mean yelled….at me because I don’t stop by to pick up my mail every day. Look….I don’t subscribe to any magazines so the only mail I receive is my bills and junk mail that I don’t want to get anyhow. I was pretty sick about two weeks ago and didn’t stop to get my mail for one week. I was expecting to get yelled at again but I wasn’t prepared for what Delores had done. I opened my mail box and nothing was there except a neon yellow slip marked “VACANT.” I was confused. I didn’t know what that meant. I knocked on the door where the postal workers are and fully expected Delores to come at me with a spear but it was her day off and she wasn’t there. When I explained my ongoing problem with Delores to one of her co-workers and showed him my neon yellow slip all he could mutter was “That’s not good.”
I was informed that “VACANT” tells anyone that is sending me something in the mail that I have LEFT my house and did not supply a forwarding address. That means I had to go home and call ALL of my services….satellite TV, cable, phone company, water etc. to let them know I hadn’t skipped town. Anyone that has called any of these services knows that you don’t get right through…there is a tremendous amount of time on hold listening to a long oboe solo. To say I’m angry is an understatement. I want my justifiable revenge but this is a government agency and I almost feel helpless.
Any suggestions you may have would be greatly appreciated. In the meantime….I’m afraid as the customer….I am about to go POSTAL!