So I’m thinking about this Xmas thing and I was let in on the secret by my Mother ten minutes before the bus was scheduled to pick me up. I was in the second grade and things really haven’t been the same since. Society isn’t very honest and most people will tell ya what ya wanna hear. Suddenly the world was different for me.
It’s really my fault though. What was I thinking or not thinking? There’s this guy and for a month he’s at every shopping mall listening to kids ask for things and then they take a picture. Christmas is coming, send an e-mail, this guy needs some rest.
He flies around the world in a sled pulled by reindeers and lands on the roof of a house to go down the chimney with a sack of gifts. What the hell is that? Oh. Don’t forget to leave some milk and cookies. So what if he’s lactose intolerant and has gout.
But wait, there’s more. He can fit all the gifts for all the kids in the world in the back of his sleigh. I can’t get six bags of mulch in the trunk of my mom’s car. Did I mention he lives at the North Pole? My next question is about who makes all these toys. Santa honestly would say “It’s all my elves.” Really? A bunch of midgets, with pointy shoes that have bells on them with a clown hat and a small hammer? I thought that was how crackers were made. Santa better not get pulled over on Christmas Eve cuz if he’s gonna tell that story we’ll see him on the police blotter.
I ask a lot of questions. Perhaps because I am confused about a lot of things. On my weekly podcast we do a segment called “Three Things I don’t understand” It could easily be twenty as I wander around periodically in my slippers and sweats in Wal-Mart (sadly I fit in).
Here are five things that escaped our editing meeting this week but I believe are worth discussing:
AT THE END OF THE DAY: I think it would be lawful to allow people to punch those that say this. “At the end of the day” I am running to my car and leaving the nuthouse commonly called “work.” If you have to wait until the “end of the day” to make progress in your business then it’s gonna fail and your manager should be a mime on the streets of New York doing the “caught in a box” routine.
PEOPLE THAT SAY “ME, PERSONALLY: Isn’t that an oxy-moron? Like “Holy War?” For once I would like to hear someone say “Me, as my second personality Diana, that chain smokes cigarettes and enjoys a stuffed raccoon as a garnish to my Thanksgiving turkey,” That would put me at ease.
SUPER VORTEX RADAR: Radar on TV stations is getting out of control. Get rid of the fancy names and tell me…..follow closely on this….if it will rain or snow. That’s it. Job done. I don’t need a satellite picture because I am not living in the space station.
RECYCLING: I recycle but I wonder if I am pissing up a drape. The recycle truck grabs my stuff and then runs away. Where do they go? Do they sort all this shit again, turn a crank and kick out a front door of a Prism? Or do they throw them all in the dump, laugh uncontrollably and exhale second-hand smoke into innocent bystanders.
ISLAM EXPERTS ON TV: When I see these people I think one thing: Who makes a living knowing what bad people may do? They scare me. It appears they have some inside information and if they are in training learning to fly it would not surprise me. One more thing: Never trust an Islam Expert that doesn’t have a turban on his head, a stick cane, and lives in a cave. That is not fear, that is credibility.