JEFF DUNHAMI hate puppets.  I just find the entire process a bit freaky.  There’s a man with his hand up a sock trying to convince those around him that his talking sock is real.  For my mind this doesn’t work.

Jeff Dunham is a successful comedian…..why?  I have no idea but he made $25 million one year and has his own private jet and he makes his living talking to a sock.  I should also mention he is a great ventriloquist which is also very creepy.  Unless you are Stephen Hawking I expect you to move your lips when you speak and people who have conversations with themselves usually are in a rubber room weaving baskets out of cooked spaghetti.

So Jeff Dunham was in West Palm one weekend playing the local comedy club and part of the deal upper management made with the club is that each comedian in town that week would appear on my show every Friday.  Don’t get me wrong.  Some were GREAT but others didn’t want to be there and they basically brought the show to a screaming halt.  Jeff shows up and goes in our “green room.”  During a commercial break I walk in and introduce myself.  I said “Gotta be honest.  Puppets freak me out and this is radio so there is no reason to bring in a puppet.  Do all the voices ya want.  We’ll have fun.”  I then walked back in the studio as the commercial break was about over and I like to bring my guests in live.  Have them walk in…get settled….introduce the rest of the show, let them adjust their mic, etc all LIVE on the air because I think it involves the listeners and is much more REAL.

You can guess what happened right?  Dunham brings in “Walter” which is the old man puppet pictured above.  Dunham starts in on me right away with Walter, “What’s a matter Danny?  Afraid of an old man?”  Now I’m an honest guy and I replied “Look Jeff.  You have your hand in a sock.  I am not talking to a sock.”  Well Dunham only saw this as a challenge and tried to get me to talk to Walter.  “You’re grumpier than me.  You look like you haven’t had a bowel movement.  How long have you hated old people?”

Well I refused to be sucked into this game and I found the tension in the room to be riveting….who is gonna turn this off?  I came back at Jeff, “Look….we talked about this before.  I will talk to you all day but that is not an old man.  That is a very expensive sock.  You have your right hand in a tube sock and I can’t engage in a conversation with something that belongs in a shoe.”

Dunham’s next move shocked me.  He barked out “Fine.”  He stood up, grabbed Walter, threw him….yes THREW him in a guitar case and stormed out of the studio.  The sight of an adult throwing a puppet in a guitar case in a fit of anger made me laugh uncontrollably.  To this day whenever I put on a pair of socks I think of Jeff Dunham.  I also think of the $25 million he made in one year.  Scoreboard Dunham and his sock.

Crazy Car GuyWe all have been through the car buying experience and the competition to get your business is very high.  This is the reason thousands of dollars are spent in your city by local dealerships to convince you to walk inside their showroom.  I have been involved in the media business for many years and I will never understand the car dealer that insists on doing his own commercial because, quite frankly, you look like a goofball.

You know what I am referring to.  On St. Patrick’s Day he dresses like a Leprechaun.  On Christmas he’s in a Santa suit and his brother is dressed as an elf.  On Valentine’s Day he may even dress as Cupid and shoot an “arrow of savings LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!!”  That’s another thing they do….they freaking yell at you.  You are not cutting a commercial for Wrestlemania you own a freaking car lot.  Are you gonna scream at me when I walk in the door?  If that’s the case I may as well buy a car from my mother as I walk out of my door with a wet head.

“At (insert car dealership name here)     WE HAVE GONE CRAZY!!”  Really?  Then I would suggest a trip to the psychiatrist to get some proper meds because I don’t want you sitting next to me during a test drive frothing at the mouth with a switchblade in your pants pocket.

And while I’m on a roll let me address the giant inflatable King Kong that some dealerships insist on placing on top of their roof.  First of all King Kong is not real.  Secondly a balloon serves the purpose of putting a smile on the face of a young child so if this is your strategy to attract your target customer I’m quite confident they are not carrying a Mensa card.  That’s my service to the public for today….perhaps tomorrow I’ll address the Chuck Norris Total Gym.

deflated footballsLet me begin by saying I don’t like the New England Patriots.  Nothing against the people of the city or the city in general I’m just tired of them winning.  Their quarterback may be the best of all time and he’s married to a super model.  I’m a die-hard Cleveland Browns fan so perhaps I’m just naturally bitter but the country is consumed with the footballs they used in this past weekend’s AFC Championship Game.

ESPN is reporting that eleven of the twelve balls that the Patriots supplied for the game were under inflated.  This is a big deal because only the Patriots use the balls that they supplied for the game, it was raining, and under inflated balls are easier  to catch.  If you weren’t aware of the final score it was Patriots 45 Colts 7.   If the final score was 45-41 I might see the cause for concern but let’s not lose focus of “the rules.”  IF New England is guilty of under inflating their balls then they deserve to be reprimanded regardless of the fact the Colts were blown out like a mobile home during a tornado.

What really concerns me about this story is the media.  This deserves to be a big story for ESPN and other sports programs but this was the second story this morning on network news after the President’s State of the Union Address.  The fourth story was another showing of the video of that policeman lip-synching to Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off.”  I’m surprised there wasn’t a live shot of Bruce Jenner shaving his legs.

The bottom line with network news is winning the ratings war.  If these stories mirror what is on the meter of interest of the average American then we really have become a tabloid society and that’s scary to me.  In the meantime I will continue to educate myself by surfing the internet and exposing myself to a variety of sources and opinions while I chuckle like a fifth grader listening to network anchors saying “deflated balls.”

The 85th Academy Awards® will air live on Oscar® Sunday, February 24, 2013.The Oscar nominations were announced this morning.  I have OCD so I don’t watch a lot of movies because I can’t sit still so it really wasn’t a big deal to me until the media started fanning the flames of racism.  For only the second time in nearly two decades, the 20 Academy Awards acting nominations went to a group made up entirely of white actors and actresses.   Why even report that?

Here’s how I see it.  There are two types of people in this world:  good and bad.  There are different types of religions for you to choose to follow and what you choose to believe does not really matter….it’s what you DO that makes you either good or bad.

What if the roles were reversed and all the acting nominees were black?  I couldn’t care less.  To me that would mean that those were the best acting performances of the year.  Why does color have to come into it?  We will never get past racism until we look beyond the color of someone’s skin yet the media continues to fan the flames of the difference in color.

Let me illustrate the absurd by being absurd.  Take Affirmative Action for instance.  If I own a company and have ten openings I am going to hire the ten best people for the job.  I don’t care about color, I don’t care if ya show up to work with a parrot on your shoulder or if you come to work on a pogo stick.  Can you do the job?  End of story.  Imagine if Affirmative Action was enforced in the NBA.  Do you think a team would ever score fifty points in a game?

Why do we continue to try to make ourselves the same?  Difference is good.  It makes us examine a pattern of thinking that we may not have considered and in some cases we actually end up learning something.  Heaven forbid we actually do something like that.

protestorsI may have done or will do some crazy things in life but I can promise you I will never be involved in a protest.  I just don’t understand the purpose because a bunch of people shouting the same thing and parading around with a bunch of signs aren’t gonna change a law.  It seems to me like a wasted effort….sorta like pissing up a drape.

In order to have what is deemed a “successful” protest you need large groups of people otherwise you won’t attract the attention of the media (and that’s the main purpose of a protest).   If I am standing in line at the grocery store and the machine runs out of register tape I’ll start to have a panic attack so crowds are not my thing.

Protestors like to shout the same things over and over again to make their point.  Isn’t repetition with lack of a lot of content the premise that Sesame Street is built upon.   Talking to a giant yellow bird and someone in a bad mood that lives in a garbage can is also not my idea of a mondo jovial type tundra.

All successful protests also involve signs.  I have made one sign in my life.  I was eight years old and I was selling blackberries that I picked in the woods behind my house.  To this day I am confused by those that stand outside the Today Show studios for hours and hold their home-made signs in front of random cameras  while jumping up and down as if they had just won the Showcase Showdown on The Price Is Right.

I believe that people should follow their passion.  If they believe in protesting then I think they should do it peacefully and lawfully just know that it more than likely is not going to do it.  That made me wonder why anyone would put forth what seems to be a futile effort.  Tonight I ran across a news story that makes it a bit more clear to me.  Three Occupy Wall Street protestors received $142K from the NYPD for being attacked.  Please excuse me now…..I’m off to Home Depot.  I have some signs to make.